DO YOU WANT TO CUDDLE?The answer to why he just doesn’t want to.
Let’s talk about it. Why does your boyfriend lie next to you, not touching you, pretending to sleep? The simple answer: for him, this is normal. But your mind doesn’t buy that. It starts racing. A hundred thoughts at once. Why doesn’t he just turn around and hold me? And here they come.
“Did I do something wrong? He looked at my ass weird today. Maybe he doesn’t find me attractive anymore. Maybe I’ve gained weight. But I don’t even feel fat. Damn it, I’m not fat. Okay, maybe not super skinny, but still. Or is it my breath? Maybe I’m just annoying. Or maybe he’s thinking of someone else. I think we’re growing apart. He just does whatever he wants lately.”
While he’s lying there peacefully, your brain goes into overdrive. You toss, sigh, and shift until you can’t stand it anymore. You wait for him to notice. Nothing. So you move to plan B: your secret weapon. “My feet are freezing, can I put them under your blanket?” Rarely will a guy say no, so you think he finally gets it. But for him, your cold feet mean something else entirely. “If she’s always cold, why doesn’t she just get a hot-water bottle? Anyway, they’ll be warm soon.” End of story. Meanwhile, as your feet thaw, you realize he’s still turned away and completely unbothered. Sure, he’s tired. He wants to sleep.
And there they are again, those bouncing thoughts in your head. It must be your fault somehow. You start switching between accusation and self-defense, bouncing back and forth until you finally fall asleep or flip the script. So you wrap your arms around him like a little koala bear, and a few minutes later, when it gets too warm, he shakes you off.
Here’s where most people turn to their best friend. Who else would you vent to? And of course, she’s had the exact same thing happen. So she tells you her story. But her story isn’t yours. You are not her. Still, you both go through every detail from the past few weeks. And because she’s your best friend, she takes your side. That’s what friends do. So before long, he’s the problem. Don’t worry, we guys do the same thing.
But if it’s always the other person’s fault,
how are you ever going to find your way back to each other?
Relationships and conflicts rarely look that different. Look closely and you’ll see patterns. You want something but don’t say it clearly. Clear communication is the one thing every relationship truly needs. Instead, you start believing you’re not meeting expectations. You feel disappointed because you’re not getting what you want. And that’s when you fall into your favorite pattern: the inner child. Suddenly, your subconscious takes over. You feel hurt, then moody, then sad, then defiant. Everything that used to work with mom. Only now it doesn’t. Not with your partner. Over time, it does the opposite.
So, you want more attention and love. First thing: breathe. And no, I don’t mean yoga breathing. Just stay calm and listen to what’s happening in your body and in your head. The most important question to ask yourself is: What do I really want? Because that’s what it’s about. Your emotional peace. Once you’ve got that answer, take the next step. Speak it out loud. Clearly. Calmly. Without hidden agendas.
Here’s why: men think differently.
We avoid confrontation and like to hear whatever keeps us in our comfort zone.
“I’m so cold.”
To a man, that means: “She’s cold. I know that feeling. It’s unpleasant. If I were her, I’d put on socks.”
What you actually meant was: “Please hold me and make me feel warm.”
Communication isn’t just about words. It’s also about what we do, what we don’t do, and how we try to get what we want without saying it. In relationships, people often start trying to train each other. To make things go their own way. Subtle tactics creep in. Withholding affection. Silent treatment. The famous clingy act. All of it in the hope that the other person will finally understand. The longer this goes on, the more normal it feels, and the more your real needs fade into the background. Before you know it, a tiny misunderstanding has turned into an elephant in the room that refuses to leave. And then comes the line:
“We’ve grown apart.”
No, you’ve just stopped being honest with each other. You’re both sad that your partner no longer sees you for who you are, because you’ve been too focused on getting what you want. So before you try to make your partner give you something, say it. Clearly. Kindly. Directly. No hints, no games. You’ll see that emotionally, you’ll find your way back to where you started. And that’s a beautiful thing.
For men: we mess things up just as much. But that’s a story for another post.
2025. Four Years Later.
How do I see it today? I feel like I was overstepping, like I have no right to tell anyone how to handle their relationships. Still, I believe shared experiences always hold a bit of truth. I still stand by what I wrote back then, but I’d add this:
